Take 2. Action.

So here we are again. After 4 years of neglect, I'm going to attempt blogging once more. This sudden desire to start blogging again stems from the fact that yesterday I learnt that my bestie actually blogs and after reading her posts and reflections and feelings, I felt compelled or more righteously put, inspired, to do the same. I have no goals or intentions for this blog. I might even be right to predict that after several weeks of zealously blogging, I will grow tired of documenting my boring days and future dreams. However for now, let's just make good use of this whim and see how far it gets me. And for the sake of today's post, I got up to practically nothing. I woke up, had breakfast (I learnt very quickly today that I am incapable of poaching eggs despite the difficulty level on Donna Hay's method on "How to poach eggs" was rated "easy."), went into my room, sent some more emails, applied for some part-time and casual jobs, ate lunch and wasted some more time watching variety game shows. I'm about to eat dinner and again watch another episode of Running Man. On a random note, I need to clean my ears, I have so much dirt and wax in them. So yes, there goes my Monday, utterly wasted with nothing achieved. But then again, there is always tomorrow.

Fight

"There's a Chinese saying that the fates are winds that blow through our lives from every angle, urging us along the paths of time. Those who are strong willed may fight the storm and possibly choose their own road, while the weak must go where they are blown."

- Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok

Change

"Sometimes, there are things in our life that aren't meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. Sometimes, change is what we need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do, but sometimes saying hello again is the thing that breaks you down and makes you more vulnerable than you ever though possible. Sometimes, change is too much to bear. But most of the time, change is the only thing saving your life."

- Anonymous

Funny humans.

To be brutally honest, I never enjoyed holidays. And now that holidays for university are 3 times longer than the usual holidays, I hate holidays not once or twice but thrice as much. They are long and tedious and tiresome and quite frankly after a month or so I run out of anything amusing to do.

I managed to:

• paint my room red;
• buy nearly a thousand dollars worth of D.I.Y IKEA furniture- a shelf, a desk and a bed and built them all by myself using my dad's electric drill and other various tools (I'm very proud that I've become more masculine during my holidays);
• read approximately 20 books within one week although most of them were trashy romance novels (but it's still reading, no?);
• volunteer for MS;
• write and post Christmas cards to most friends;
• be anti-social and emo for a week;
• erect the Christmas tree;
• have heated debates with mum and dad;
• accompany mum for a MRI and various neurosurgeon's appointments;
• paint my nails ten different colours
• paint my mother's nails another ten different colours
• sleep through the new year's fireworks
• slurge half a grand on the Boxing Day sale
• tutor kids
• eat a whole steak, a whole bowl of pasta, a whole plate of salad and a pancake with icecream from Lazy Moe's in one go (their servings and plates are three times the circumference of my head, no kidding)
• attend a wedding from 6am to 1am
• gain weight and be a natural sloth

Plus a gazillion other mentionable, but can't be bothered, things. And to add to that extensive list of not so proud and proud doings of mine, I browsed through one of my friend's blogs and found this quote from the well known and respected neurologist, Sigmund Freud.

" Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognised, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within."

To those who claim to know and understand me and understand me well that is, will find it difficult to believe that I have found myself stuck in the scenario or situation Sigmund Freud has so articulately and accurately described.

And yes I have always thought that the nature and disposition of a human is truly complicated but Sigmund Freud has confirmed that humans are funny as well. In which I am classified as "Funny" as well and it probably explains why I find observing humans strangely amusing and educational- you can sometimes predict their reaction to a certain happening but most of the time you cannot. And most certainly you can never tell what a human is thinking or contemplating which is probably more so why humans are the most mysterious and difficult to study of all living species on earth.

However Freud has mentioned fear being a factor, an emotion, this thing that repels and prevents us from professing our love for our objects of affection. We fear being made fun of, we fear being rejected, we fear that we will lose the love and trust of the one we love, we fear that we might have repulsed them and we fear that we will lose that friendship and relationship that once attached us and bonded with the person of our affection. Inevitably it is this fear that convinces us to be content with being friends with our objects of our affection for we arrive at the conclusion that we prefer to have a healthy and happy friendship than destroy it with our selfish wishes and feelings. Hence continues our painful and unrequited love, just like those love dramas that we swore were unrealistic and situations that we would never find ourselves in.

And yet, despite the heartbreaking pain of knowing that we will never be able to tell the ones we love our true feelings, we make a "conscious effort to be connected with object of [our] affections even if it kills [us] slowly within." As astonishing and amusing Freud found this behaviour, I too found my own behaviour quite unlike myself, when I consciously endeavoured to connect myself with my object of affection even though I knew my efforts were futile and fruitless. Day in day out, for the duration of my unrequited love for this individual, I always wondered where and how they were and what they were doing; when going shopping I always seeked objects and items that they would like; I would always be jealous of other people around them and have a huge desire to monopolize them for myself; I always wanted to like the same things they did and I always wanted this and I always wanted that in order to have a closer connection with this special person of mine than anyone else. I knew and did everything consciously although deep down I knew that this love was impossible and that one day that I had to give up on this person who held a very special place in my heart and mind. Yet I did it all, I don't regret any effort or action of mine even though it broke my heart and made me cry.

I've long given up on this unrequited love of mine and have decided to move on. It's refreshing to establish so and think so but the human mind is naturally dark and hopeful and occasionally plays tricks on your mind and heart, disturbing the tranquility and surrender and making you think twice. Sometimes I just sit and wonder whether I gave up to early, I wonder whether my love for this person was actually love or actually mistaken infatuation and I sometimes wonder, if I confessed to this person and this person unexpectedly agrees to go out with me, would our relationship go far or is it destined to fail? And sometimes I just pray to God that the person that I once loved will remember my kind actions and come to me one day but of course that is just wishful thinking of a silly girl. You can't help but just wonder and ponder and analyse the situation to bits and pieces till you are at a complete lost and cannot piece anything together. Nonetheless, I know for sure that this person was important to me and is still important to me and once held a very treasured place in my life and I do not regret choosing the path I have chosen. It just goes to show that fear has an undeniably huge influence over our actions whether it be a conscious or unconscious one and therefore it takes an individual with lots of guts and courage to overcome this enormous mental barrier.

Overall, this experience has been a huge life lesson not only for me but many individuals all around the world. I have chosen fear and I have chosen to have a platonic relationship because destroying a whole friendship is not worth a few moments of passion, jealousy and whimsy. I will probably never know the possibility that this person might also harbour the same feelings as I do but then that is both our lost isn' it? It may sound ridiculous and cowardly but I am choosing to walk out of this person's life and disappear a couple of odd year and one day when I reunite with them, let it just be a fleeting moment of infatuation.

Humans being are funny, aren't they?

Ode of Sorrow

I was cleaning up my room the other day since I had completed my end of year exams. It's always fascinating to discover what items have been retained, what sort of things have accumulated due to laziness or lack of time or even items that have been thrown out.

Especially for myself, who seems to have inherited my mother's trait of frugality, I am confronted with a colossal collection of odd things. From the normal items, there would be certificates, essays with marks and photos that make one feel ancient to the more random and ridiculous itmes such as lids of pens that have gone astray, short pencils that are barely long enough to grasp one's fingers on and dirty tissues.

However, amongst those insignificant totems, it was nostalgic to rediscover some handwritten diary entries, though many are half finished and abandoned they still vividly and truthfully captured the confusing and messy symphony of emotions of one meandering teenager.

06.04.2009

" To someone,

I should have started writing in a journal a long time ago just for the sake of writing. However I thought it was unnecessary and too time consuming. I was wrong. With the inexplicable turmoils in my heart and my mind and no one to talk to, therapeutic writing is the only method I can resort to. So dear diary, be my source of solace and comfort where I can pour in the emotions and thoughts of the mind.

Oddly enough, I am suffering from a writer's block, that's probably becaue I have so many thoughts and recollections locked up that I don't know where to start. Well, let's just recount the morning and see how I go.

It is a cold morning, the second month of Autumn and one can truly feel that it is settling in. The sharp bite of the wind, one that makes goosebumps appear all over any skin that is bare, contrasts the sunny and inviting appearance of the sun.

"It is a cruel combination, the sun lures you out and the wind ambushes you."

But you can't remain angry at it because the sky is a clear blue with such magnificence, vastness and majest that one can not do anything but forgive.

I don't know why, I have been waking up more lethargic than ever, more reluctant to face the world. It's an enigma as to why I am feeling so. There is a poignancy in my life though I don't know what it is.

Melanchony.

Sadness.

Despair.

The air around me is suffocating and I'm find it harder and harder to breath with each and every single breath.

I don't know why I am feeling so. I am not depressed, I am not emotional, I can only conclude that I am confused.

Perplexed.

Bewildered.

Any other adjective that can describe the state of being unable to distinguish anything from anything.

It's this turmoil that is heavy in my heart. I can't think clear anymore. The world around me is a hazy view. This turmoil that unbuckles and unleashes insecurity and war

into my sanctuary, slowly envelopes my mind, invades and manifests itself like a virus.

A mysterious virus with no origin or known cause, all I know is that it is there. A burden, a heavy weight in my chest. This delicate heart of mine can only endure so much and I am on the brink already.

Someone drowning would
desperately yell "Help me! I'm drowning!" or "I don't want to die, please save
me!"

But I'd probably
drown.

Scientifically, it is the mind that registers the emotions and sensations such as happiness and pain, but unknownst to science, my heart does as well. Sometimes it races so face and then it beats so slowly and sometimes you can hear it pounding painfully in your ears and at times,

you just want to wrench it out and throw it somewhere.

If I take mine out for the world to see, it would be a worn out and shrivelled, indistinguishable and pathetic thing screaming for a rest and some companionship

sympathy

empathy

and peace from the world.

It has taken so much already, but it has to take more. These eighteen years have felt like a century. The sensitivity and principles of its owner is to blame and is at fault. Trying to care about others before oneself; trying to be as selfless as possible; meeting the expectations of a demanding society; seeking refuge in a war between two clashing cultures; determining one's sexuality; confronting and reluctantly accepting the cruel nature of fate; enduring the god-forsaken political affairs of the world; fuelling desires of being successful especially those dreams that are so close and yet so far; suffering the guilty conscience of the towering accumulations of white and red lies; suppressing those overflowing feelings and painfully gritting one's teeth in order to hold back the tears and stay strong in times of great sorrow and grief and ultimately seeking love and the desire the share and give love to somebody else.

There is a lifetime of factors that exist and more that will surface as life continues, to further burden and challenge one's heart.

This blog is not a medium for seeking forgiveness nor a collection of epiphanies. It offers no rules and no guidance in life for anything of any sort. These prose delivered promise no truths or faithful recollections for

"There is no fire without some smoke."

- John Heywood, Proverbes

There is no seek of redemption or sympathy and instead what is presented is just a simple collage of the ridiculous, the mundane and the twisted musings of one narcissist and nihilistic individual.

"Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love a woman it's because we can't get a 'real' man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and 'unfeminine' and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we make up the majority of those in poverty but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty and for lots of other reasons, I am a part of the Women's Liberation Movement."

- "the Torch, September 14th 1987"