I was cleaning up my room the other day since I had completed my end of year exams. It's always fascinating to discover what items have been retained, what sort of things have accumulated due to laziness or lack of time or even items that have been thrown out.
Especially for myself, who seems to have inherited my mother's trait of frugality, I am confronted with a colossal collection of odd things. From the normal items, there would be certificates, essays with marks and photos that make one feel ancient to the more random and ridiculous itmes such as lids of pens that have gone astray, short pencils that are barely long enough to grasp one's fingers on and dirty tissues.
However, amongst those insignificant totems, it was nostalgic to rediscover some handwritten diary entries, though many are half finished and abandoned they still vividly and truthfully captured the confusing and messy symphony of emotions of one meandering teenager.
06.04.2009
" To someone,
I should have started writing in a journal a long time ago just for the sake of writing. However I thought it was unnecessary and too time consuming. I was wrong. With the inexplicable turmoils in my heart and my mind and no one to talk to, therapeutic writing is the only method I can resort to. So dear diary, be my source of solace and comfort where I can pour in the emotions and thoughts of the mind.
Oddly enough, I am suffering from a writer's block, that's probably becaue I have so many thoughts and recollections locked up that I don't know where to start. Well, let's just recount the morning and see how I go.
It is a cold morning, the second month of Autumn and one can truly feel that it is settling in. The sharp bite of the wind, one that makes goosebumps appear all over any skin that is bare, contrasts the sunny and inviting appearance of the sun.
"It is a cruel combination, the sun lures you out and the wind ambushes you."But you can't remain angry at it because the sky is a clear blue with such magnificence, vastness and majest that one can not do anything but forgive.
I don't know why, I have been waking up more lethargic than ever, more reluctant to face the world. It's an enigma as to why I am feeling so. There is a poignancy in my life though I don't know what it is.
Melanchony.
Sadness.
Despair.
The air around me is suffocating and I'm find it harder and harder to breath with each and every single breath.
I don't know why I am feeling so. I am not depressed, I am not emotional, I can only conclude that I am confused.
Perplexed.
Bewildered.
Any other adjective that can describe the state of being unable to distinguish anything from anything.
It's this turmoil that is heavy in my heart. I can't think clear anymore. The world around me is a hazy view. This turmoil that unbuckles and unleashes insecurity and war
into my sanctuary, slowly envelopes my mind, invades and manifests itself like a virus.
A mysterious virus with no origin or known cause, all I know is that it is there. A burden, a heavy weight in my chest. This delicate heart of mine can only endure so much and I am on the brink already.
Someone drowning would
desperately yell "Help me! I'm drowning!" or "I don't want to die, please save
me!"But I'd probably
drown.
Scientifically, it is the mind that registers the emotions and sensations such as happiness and pain, but unknownst to science, my heart does as well. Sometimes it races so face and then it beats so slowly and sometimes you can hear it pounding painfully in your ears and at times,
you just want to wrench it out and throw it somewhere.
If I take mine out for the world to see, it would be a worn out and shrivelled, indistinguishable and pathetic thing screaming for a rest and some companionship
sympathy
empathy
and peace from the world.
It has taken so much already, but it has to take more. These eighteen years have felt like a century. The sensitivity and principles of its owner is to blame and is at fault. Trying to care about others before oneself; trying to be as selfless as possible; meeting the expectations of a demanding society; seeking refuge in a war between two clashing cultures; determining one's sexuality; confronting and reluctantly accepting the cruel nature of fate; enduring the god-forsaken political affairs of the world; fuelling desires of being successful especially those dreams that are so close and yet so far; suffering the guilty conscience of the towering accumulations of white and red lies; suppressing those overflowing feelings and painfully gritting one's teeth in order to hold back the tears and stay strong in times of great sorrow and grief and ultimately seeking love and the desire the share and give love to somebody else.
There is a lifetime of factors that exist and more that will surface as life continues, to further burden and challenge one's heart.
